Our Truest Self

We had dinner last night with a neighbor who made the comment, “I really like spending time with you because I can be myself.”  Such a simple comment.  Which prodded me to think about myself and how often I can be truly, fully, freely, all of myself.

This may seem like a ridiculous question to some.  It depends on all the usual things probably: how you were raised, your personality, your profession, etc.  But where do you get to bleed over the edges, to push back, toss comments like candies in the air and see who catches them?  Where you are accepted for just being who you are and can feel safe that you won’t be judged or misunderstood? 

Perhaps my neighbor wasn’t saying all that.  What I know is that each of us need to have our “peeps--” those special friends who are close to us and us to them, and with whom we can laugh and be silly and share our deepest secrets and woes; who will listen and not judge, and where we can be truly, fully, unabashedly ourselves.

Quiet

Does quiet unnerve you?  No TV, cellphone, electronic device humming?  Is it just too . . . quiet?

As the snow falls to the ground, I think of the walk I will take afterward.  The ground is blanketed.  Everything is white.  It is quiet.  I can hear the quiet and it is magnificent.

Human beings need some conscious (as opposed to sleeping) quiet time.  Whether we are mindfully cooking and preparing a meal, reading a book or meditating, quiet time in our lives gives our bodies and minds a chance to rest and be restored.  Without this time, it's easy to become exhausted, irritable or even sick, when we are forced to take a rest.

It may not be easy to know how to create quiet in your life.  With all the influences of social media, streaming on your iPad, and an information-laden and fast-paced life, who has time (much less the inclination) to be quiet? 

Start slow, with just a minute.  Sit, with nothing else going on.  Leave your electronics off, or at least to the side where you cannot see them.  Look out a window, think of a pleasant scene or just sit.  Observe how you feel.  It may be extremely uncomfortable.  I remember years ago thinking about sitting and doing nothing and it was a foreign concept--I could barely imagine it.  Today, I look forward to my quiet time because I cannot stay centered and grounded without it.

Over the holidays, it's busier than ever.  Some of the parties are fun, some wear us out.  Family can be a challenge.  Give yourself an opportunity to try something new, a gift to yourself of a one quiet minute.  Take some deep breaths.  Sink into the moment.  Notice how your body and mind feel. You may find it's just what you need to make it through the holiday season.

Space in the Glass of Life

                                                                     

I've had a few ridiculously busy days lately.  Going at a clip from one thing to another, from morning until evening, fearing I will make the next appointment on time, I lose myself, my center.  Stress creeps in, an uninvited visitor.  I am reacting to what is happening around me, to me, without the time to process and feel at ease.  What am I doing?  Is this the way I want to live?

What I miss most about days like these is the space in my day for the unexpected: running into a friend and having a leisurely chat;  reading an article in the newspaper or a magazine that has caught my eye; taking in the fall foliage and appreciating the beauty around me.

These are the moments I want to have, the space to step fully into my life, embracing it and smiling in acknowledgement.  These are the moments that make me feel at peace.  I have a choice about how I schedule and spend my time.  I make better decisions when there is space in my life.  Can I wake up each day and have that space? 

I confess I have struggled with this for years, wanting to do a lot with my life, feeling energized and committed to family, friends, causes and work.  I want to make a real difference in the time I spend here.  My life is full.  It's when it teems over, the glass unable to hold the multitude of meetings and responsibilities, where everything gets less of me, not more, that the kind of life I want to live leaks out and I am left depleted.  It's a fine balance, this full glass and the leaky one.  That's where the space comes in:  if I do not fill the glass to the top and leave some space, chances are it will not spill over, even with the unexpected delights and mishaps of life. 

Hmmm . . .

Your Creative Spark

We are all creative, in one way or another.  You may not think of yourself as an artist, but perhaps you like to cook, love gardening or tinkering with cars.  Maybe you’ve always been a doodler or love knowing how things fit together.  Each of us has the ability and desire to create something of our own as a reflection of our own uniqueness in the world.

So why are some people able to let this aspect of their personality shine while others cannot access their creative spark?  There may be many answers to this question, but in this fast-paced, information-laden society of ours, there is little time to simply be and allow our minds to wander.  Day-dreaming is a lost state of being and is often a preamble to creativity.  Our minds and souls, for that matter, need unstructured time to wander, do loop-de-loops and make free associations.  We need time to play, experiment, see what gives us joy.  How many of us learned a hobby or art from our grandparents, who had interests of their own and time to spend with us?  My grandmother sewed beautiful embroidery, and I learned needlepoint by the age of 10. 

Perhaps you were one of those people in touch with some interest or artistic bent at an earlier age, but gave it up because you now don’t have the time. Our natural inclinations are often what give us our greatest joy. On the other hand, you may feel you don’t have a creative bone in your body.  That’s okay.  Just by giving yourself this time you may get in touch with something that has lain dormant. With all the responsibilities and “have-to’s” in our lives, it’s important to keep those interests alive and woven through our days and weeks. It may seem strange that many people actually “schedule” this time for themselves in their calendars, but doing so gives them the space and often the permission to let go.

I know if I go too long without some “down time” I become stressed and irritable.  I don’t sleep as well and wake in the middle of the night making lists of things I have to do.  I am clearly overscheduled.  For a week or two, a relatively short period of time, this is manageable, but if it goes beyond that, I know I need to change something.  Ironically, the Universe is often right there; appointments are cancelled or rescheduled and I am given that much-needed breathing room.

Space.  Time.  It can feel so elusive and yet our souls need it. Unstructured and without agenda, time to nourish that part of us that is deep and timeless.  This is the part of ourselves we need to acknowledge if we are to be content and balanced in our lives and in this world.

Detours of Our Lives

Many of us have ideas of what our life will be like.  We’ll fall in love with this type of person, find a place to live (a certain neighborhood, a particular house, the “right” apartment), work to attain a certain job.  Our goals and dreams are often realized, and we can feel pretty good about things.

During the past week, I heard or came across many stories of people whose lives had presented something totally unexpected, and not in a good way: a child with disabilities, a lost job, the loss of a home, an accident.  For these people, their life was suddenly off-course; it veered in a direction they had not anticipated.

What does one do?  There is the initial shock and then “Why me?”  As we come to accept things as they are, we have some options.  If we can get past regret for what has happened, and if don't allow the fear of the future to swallow us whole, then what we have is today. Things are the way they are. In each moment, we can choose how to react and behave.  If we have children, we can be a role model, or instead transmit all our fears, disappointment and anger to them.

A devastating loss may require we seek professional help to deal with the situation.  Many people suffering the loss of a loved one, which is a natural life passage, often see a therapist or grief counselor because they feel unable to move on. 

However, with each of these people telling their stories, something amazing happened. Each and every one about whom I read felt that the unexpected change in their life brought out some strength they didn't know they had and ultimately made them a better human being.  That’s not to say life was easy or they didn’t have sleepless nights or have to work hard to get their lives into a more manageable place. Yet in living the experience, they were able to get beyond feeling like a victim and find some learning, some new understanding that affected their life view.

We may need help in tough situations.  We’ll likely need time to figure out how to cope with a new reality.  The question is whether we can come through not embittered and having found some glimmer of gratitude for where we are now.

What's It All About?

You can see that everyday spirituality does not result in a post every day--or even every week--or month!  So what is it all about?

If we accept that we are spiritual beings in a physical body (I realize that's a big "if" for a lot of people), then connecting to our spirituality is pretty important if we want to live the most happiest, most fulfilling and contented life.

The posts in this blog have illustrated times when I've felt spiritual or connected to that deep place inside of me.  Or they address topics about how we can be our best selves.

But the thing that's most difficult is how we make these connected times more and more part of our everyday lives.  So that's what I'm going to write about for awhile.

It's all about being conscious, about waking up to what is really going on in our lives and within ourselves.  Once you wake up, there's no going back.  And don't think you don't know that on a deeply intuitive level. In fact, many people run the other way by being so busy, altering their consciousness through drugs or alcohol, or living their lives in the past (regret) or the future (worry) that there is no room to be conscious about their lives today.  Right NOW.  No way they want to go there.

When we do go there, the payoff is BIG. No, it's way more than that.  But it does take courage and being honest with ourselves.  Opting to look in the mirror and see ourselves, warts and all, can be the decision of a lifetime.  No masks.  Nothing to take away the pain.  Just YOU.  It changes the way you see yourself, the world around you, other people.  Accepting yourself for who you are makes living in this sometimes crazy, mixed-up world a whole lot better.  Nothing is beyond your reach, not even happiness.

My Present

The beach is strewn
With a thousand
Shells, rocks, sticks, fossils.
Each has a story to tell
Of how it came to be
Here.

Every day something new
Speaks to me.
Though seemingly random,
There is a timeless march
Of water, sea and sand.

A gull swoops down for breakfast.
Waves slosh against rocks and shore.
Pulling back to leave their
Cross hatch vestiges
Which perplex me.

It is here
Day after day
Time immemorial
My present.

Run!

This morning my body said "run!"
I've been a relative deadbeat,
Laziness and a cold my excuses.
Down in the relative warmth
Of a different clime,
My body naturally responds
After a long, dreary winter.
Open up!  Let me out!
Like an untethered horse
Falling into a comfortable trot,
I can do over a mile
There's life in this mid-aged girl yet!

New Moon

I remember years ago
Upon waking, the thought
Of sitting still,
In a chair,
Listening to my breath,
"Tuning in" to my body
Was as far away
And impossible
As the moon.

A far off destination.
Through intention, practice and purpose
The moon has become my home.
Like its waxing and waning.
Cloudy or clear,
Full or smaller aspects of itself.
I listen to my body,
Everyday a little different
Showing me the way.

In the Moment of Waves

We all know that primordial sound of waves on the shore.  The ebb and flow, the never-ending cycles of time, of life.  A metaphor for the womb, for give and take, for life's struggles.

If you were to travel around the world experiencing waves lapping at different shores, would they sound the same?  Or would each have its own unique rhythm on a calm and sunny day? 

A wave crashing on the shore has many different components.  It furls close to shore, and at its loudest, crescendos onto land, where it quiets and then fizzes bubbles for several seconds before receding.  With every ebb and flow, the sea leaves its white latticework in the shallows, which never fully disappears but reforms with the next wave.  Every now and then there will be just a moment of silence, like the space between an in-breath and out-breath.  No two waves are ever the same.

Hearing the waves is a comfort, the sounds recurring over and over. The water brings an energy with it, an encouragement or perhaps an urgency.  There can be tenderness, with several waves merely lapping; lest I become too complacent the next may crash, sending water over my ankles and up to my knees.  The next minute the water, clear and unspoiled, feels like velvet on my feet.

I've been mystified by the crosshatch design left on the sand by the retreating waves.  I cannot understand why it appears that way all along the beach.  The air has a faintly briny smell which is only perceptible when the wind pauses.

Around the rocks is a grand slithering as smaller rocks and pebbles are pulled back with a mighty drag.  And there's a tucking in around the rocks in the gentler ebbs, where the slithering turns into a soft gurgle.  Hearing all the sounds together is a symphony, one that is made up as it goes along.  Sounds I love always and never tire of.

Infinite Possibilities

I was fortunate to get away for a week to an island with a beautiful beach. 

Amid a smooth stretch of beach
Leading me down the aisle
I espied a love object
Beckoning my gaze.

A fossilized rock of sea creatures
No bigger than a deck of cards
With indentations for my fingers
Like a bowling ball.

It begged me to pick it up
Its meaning was clearly
To focus my attention
And glean its wisdom.

A cross between a fish and turtle
Perforated with circles and holes
Some dimples, others craters
One through which I see the whole world.

Containing vestiges of shells
The homes of sea creatures long gone
When I turn it over
There's a hippopotamus!

Living Well Into the Future (Part 2)

What does it mean to live and age well?  As a follow-up to the last post, which talks primarily about our physical environment, how it impacts us, and what we can do about it, this post talks about how living well is determined by our personal philosophies and preferences, and the choices we make each and every day.

We know that to have a strong mind and body we need to take our health and well-being into our own hands. This means eating healthy, well-prepared food and exercising regularly.  To maintain our social and psychological well-being, we need friends and to be involved in activities and causes.  Some of these are a continuation of what we’ve known and done for years, but we also want to be open to meeting new people and learning about new topics.  From a financial perspective, as our life situations change, we want to make sure we are not living beyond our means, and have put away a little something for the future.

Yet, once we have attended to our most basic needs, the question of aging well may be a very personal one.

Does it mean:

Having good health?
Maintaining relationships with those we love?

Traveling the world and seeing all those places we’ve dreamed of?

Living life by our own rules without any “shoulds?”

Being able to give freely of ourselves and our wisdom?

Enjoying dinners out or the arts regularly?

You may be thinking at this point of the proverbial “bucket list,” but aging well has less to do with what we want to accomplish as we get older, and more about how we want to BE and interact in the world. 

One way to think about this is to imagine what you would like said about you in a eulogy or written on your tombstone.  How would you like to be remembered?  What will be a personal disappointment if you don't accomplish it during this lifetime?  Or, to be even more dramatic, if you had six months to live, how would you like to spend them? What makes you excited to get up in the morning?  These are just some of the questions you may ask yourself as you think about what "living well" means to you.  There's no better time.

Living Well Into the Future (Part I)

Many articles today talk about how we can remain active and healthy into old age.  They cite maintaining social relationships, keeping physically fit and engaging our minds. Many older adults today still work—either part-time or full-time--or volunteer their time to noteworthy institutions and causes.  Diet and nutrition is also important.  And yet, from a physical perspective, as our world has become more crowded with technology, people and information; as our food comes from further away, often in cans and boxes, with labels that are often misleading; as our air and water are often polluted with toxins—how do we keep healthy as we age and what does this mean for each of us?

For many of the baby boomer generation, the government could be relied on to provide a safety net in a variety of ways.  The FDA had vigorous standards to help protect us from harmful medications.  Safety inspections were routinely carried out on our poultry and livestock before it was brought to market.  The EPA made sure we had clean air and water. The SEC was formed to protect investors against ill-contrived schemes and imprudence by individuals as well as banks and large firms. The government still provides a medical and financial safety net through Medicare and social security, but we know these will undergo changes in the coming years. 

Like many other posts in this blog, a big part of living and aging well is being aware, open and conscious and taking responsibility for ourselves.   We often know the best way to ______  (fill in the blank), but we don’t do it.  Do you reach for unhealthy foods to comfort yourself?  Have you had a medical issue you’ve tried to ignore?  Are you under constant stress at work?  Sometimes these situations are out of our control, but much of the time we can make different decisions about our jobs, our time, who we choose to be with, where we live, what we eat and what we choose to believe. 

For example, are you surrounded by people who are negative, complaining, and bring you down?  Being aware of how some people sap our energy while others make us feel joyful and engaged is a first step to determining whether we want these people in our social system.  If we really don’t but have little choice, we might be able to minimize the amount of time we spend with them, or include others whose company we enjoy during the next visit.

Aging well doesn't start at age 65 or 70.  It's part of the lifestyle we've created through our lives, and yet it can be changed at any time.  There are always the "big" issues, from the way our food is processed to the air we breathe.  But we can decide if we live near a coal plant or eat fast food on a regular basis.  Dealing with issues as they arise, taking an active role for our own well-being and educating ourselves about important topics will help us create a life we enjoy living today and "well" into the future.

What Plan?

I was having dinner the other night with a good friend, and as we were talking, the following came out of my mouth:

                 " I don't know the plan even though I want to know the plan, because
                    part of the plan is not knowing the plan."

Yes, I'm one of those people who often likes to KNOW.  I used to be much more that way, but still am to some degree.  Give me information and I feel reassured I'm making a good decision.  Too much suspense can be unnerving.  I've been known to cover my eyes during a scary movie or flip to the back of a novel of gripping suspense.

There are certainly plans worth having.  Creating a new business or trying to achieve a goal requires well thought out projections and action steps.  Having a plan helps bring a vision into reality.  The best plans are those with built-in contingencies and flexibility, because things rarely turn out the way we envision they will.  Have you ever had an idea of "exactly' what you wanted only to be pleasantly surprised when things turned out somewhat differently?

As human beings, it's natural to want to know what's going to happen; it makes us feel more in control.  Some of us have a greater desire for predictability than others and feel less comfortable with change.  In addition, when we're feeling good about our life and ourselves, it's easy to be open and optimistic about what might come our way.  When we're not in a good place, it feels so much harder to believe this is all part of the "plan," and there is something we are meant to learn from each obstacle and (heaven forbid!) failure.

If we look back at our lives, we realize many of the most difficult and challenging situations taught us the most about ourselves and our capabilities, when at the time we felt we were in the midst of a crisis.  In retrospect, we may even be surprised at how well we dealt with the situation.  It's helpful to remember this when we feel life isn't going our way or we're apprehensive about what will happen. After all, having more information doesn't guarantee anything, especially control. 

Accepting what is requires us to trust there is a higher power and that our experiences unfold for our greatest good. 

And if we always knew how things would turn out, we wouldn't be surprised and delighted when all those fun, unexpected things do happen--things we end up thinking and talking about years later.

Can you be open to what's happening at a given moment and accept the outcome, even if it's not what you think you wanted?  Whatever happens, it's all part of the plan.

Seeing with New Eyes

"It's a bear."
"I see a Scottie walking."
"No, it's an angel's wings."

Whether we're gazing at shapeshifting clouds or discussing an important issue, each of us has our own point of view.  It's formed by our experiences, our thoughts, our imagination, what we've read, heard or seen, who we hang out with, and those who raised us and taught us.

Each of us sees the world through our own eyes and has a unique perspective.  Different points of view add to the creative process. When brainstorming, no idea is a bad idea.  Yet, how often in our social discourses, be it in our families, with friends or new acquaintances, do we discount others’ opinions?  This may be because we don’t agree, or believe we share the same values, or perhaps we just feel our point of view is the “right” one.

Opening oneself spiritually includes being open to others’ ideas, even if they seem to differ, sometimes drastically, from our own.  Issues that appear black and white are rarely so clear cut.  Why must we see them so? 

Rejecting what another person says out of hand can be a reaction to our “shadow” side:  we turn away from or reject something that was shameful, embarrassing or hurtful to us in our past.  To embrace it would cause us to relive the feelings we felt at the time.  For us, that particular issue holds a strong emotional charge.  

Next time, when you hear or read an opinion that differs widely from your own, listen to what the person is saying and try to connect to it from their viewpoint.  If we are all "one" on some level, those other thoughts are somewhere in us.  By not rejecting an opposite point of view out of hand and listening with an open heart, we can often come to appreciate some aspect of what we are hearing.

What's Going on in Your Gut?

Known as our "second brain" with as many neurons, our intestines are critical to a healthy-functioning body. Their most obvious job, perhaps, is to absorb and process nutrition and then rid the body of what it doesn't need. Regular elimination (a form of detoxification), at least once a day and preferably more, not only keeps the intestines healthy but keeps us from becoming tired and stuck.

Our gut is also where our intuition and body act in concert to communicate important information. The heart and the gut often prove wiser than the mind in helping us to find answers to life's most difficult questions.

With so many digestive issues such as acid reflux, irritable bowel (IBS), food sensitivities, and the quality of our food compromised by GMO's, feedlots and confusing labels, how attuned are you to what's going on in your gut, physically and emotionally? Paying attention can help you heal your intestines and ward off more serious health issues as you age. You might also get in touch with what's not quite working in your life, and open up to greater possibilities.

The Deep

A seed.

A pearl.

A precious truth.
How could I not know?

Life's distractions,
Like baby birds,
Clamoring for attention.
To hear ones voice 'mid all the rest?
Silence, silence.

To cast the line,
Set the intention.
What comes bubbling up
With clarity and resonance
From the depths of my soul.

Where Is The Love?

“When did I turn into such a bitch?!” my client exclaimed.  After a long day at work, she came home and found the house a mess and the kids hadn’t had a bath.  She started ranting at her husband, critical and blaming.  They went to sleep without talking.

 

Do you ever find yourself yelling at people you love, knowing that isn’t what you want to be doing but not able to stop yourself?  Many of us are sometimes critical, sarcastic or impatient and then feel guilty, either at the time or afterward.

Perhaps our parents acted this way with us, and we are thoughtlessly modeling their behavior. When we are tense and stressed, we might go to this “default position” in our daily interactions with family members.  I confess to often parenting this way when my kids were young.  Parents are notoriously sleep-deprived, overworked, and frenetic. But we have to take responsibility for our words and actions, which cause harm to those we love.

We’ve all heard the story about the cobbler’s children going barefoot: a father not attending to those right in front of him, dearest to him, and giving better service to others.  At least in this example, you can say the cobbler was working to earn a living.  What is our excuse?  That we love our kids so much that we want them to be “better” somehow?  How often is it our agenda that causes us to become angry or impatient?  With some self-reflection, we find what’s bothering us really has less to do with our partner or children and more to do with our own needs.

Over time, as I became more conscious and aware, I realized it was inversely hypocritical to treat my friends and clients with more tolerance and acceptance than I sometimes treated my husband and children.  I was stuck in a rote way of responding, and it was having a detrimental effect on my relationships and creating tension at home.

The next time you find yourself out of control in a situation with someone you love, stop, take a deep breath, and decide that you don’t want to be hurtful or critical.  We really wish to be loving, supportive and nurturing.   Ask questions before you begin to judge.  Give the other person a chance to explain, and realize that what has already happened is past.  We can only affect what happens in the future, and if we have any hope at all of doing so in a positive way, we would best to be loving and compassionate.

Thanks"G"iving

Thanksgiving is a holiday to be with those we love.  No presents.  No expectations except to be together around a table for a traditional meal with family recipes.  It’s also a day to reflect and give thanks for what we have, and whom we have, in our lives.

 Gratitude is powerful.  It actually has health benefits, and is part of a growing field called positive psychology which has gotten lots of publicity lately.  A web search reveals that the practice of keeping a gratitude journal has been shown to increase optimism, improve sleep, protect against heart attacks, and in general, gives us a sense of well-being with fewer physical ailments.

One of my health coach colleagues, Lorraine Miller, has created a gratitude journal called From Gratitude to Bliss: A Journal in Health and Happiness.  Lorraine believes strongly in a daily dose of "Vitamin G."  In her recent newsletter, Lorraine says:

“I have found this unbelievably simple practice to have profound effects on how we approach life, handle stress, heal our bodies and shift our minds.”

Think about ways to bring more gratitude into your life.  A tradition in our home is to go around the table before we start our Thanksgiving dinner and say one thing each of us is grateful for.  Gratitude moves the focus from ourselves to others, and sends these good messages out into the world.  Gratitude becomes infectious: when we hear someone expressing gratitude, we are more likely to do so ourselves.

You may want to try keeping a small notebook by your bed, and before going to sleep, jotting down three things for which you are grateful.  They can be simple, like having a roof over your head and enough to eat, or being grateful for the people in your life.  Maybe something good happened at work or something unexpected made you smile.  Whatever it is, you will likely be healthier and happier having had your dose of Vitamin "G" for the day.

Relating to Mother (Nature)

                                                                        Sedona, AZ

Once up on a time, our ancestors’ survival depended on a close relationship with the natural world.  It was often a matter of life and death, not to mention losing an entire harvest of crops or being overcome by a severe storm when out hunting or traveling. 

Today, many of us today live in comfortable homes and work in climate-controlled offices high above the ground. We may go an entire day without venturing outside, and in the winter, people often arrive and leave work in the dark.  We depend on TV or the internet for news about the weather, and don’t have time or the wherewithal to look up from what’s distracting us to see a beautiful sunset or catch the rainbow after a storm. 

Being connected to the natural world helps us connect to our inner world.  When I work with clients, it’s one of the ways they begin to get reconnected to their own rhythms—they clue in to the natural rhythms of nature.  Walking grounds us.  Watching animals teaches us about who we are as human beings.  The natural world has it’s own sense of order and understanding.  How do the animals know when a storm is coming or danger is near?  First and foremost, they are aware—they need to be for their very survival.

When we are out enjoying nature, all of our senses are heightened.  We breathe in the fresh fall air, smelling the rich soil; we see the changing fall foliage, feel the breeze and hear the squirrels crunching leaves as they bury their nuts.  Our souls respond to the beauty of the natural world.  It stirs something deep inside—we feel awed, appreciative, and a sense of peace and calm.  

Losing our connection to nature is akin to losing ourselves.   Mother Nature supports us in many ways, offering all we need to sustain our physical and spiritual lives.   We need to remember she is there and to seek her out—all year round.