Detours of Our Lives

Many of us have ideas of what our life will be like.  We’ll fall in love with this type of person, find a place to live (a certain neighborhood, a particular house, the “right” apartment), work to attain a certain job.  Our goals and dreams are often realized, and we can feel pretty good about things.

During the past week, I heard or came across many stories of people whose lives had presented something totally unexpected, and not in a good way: a child with disabilities, a lost job, the loss of a home, an accident.  For these people, their life was suddenly off-course; it veered in a direction they had not anticipated.

What does one do?  There is the initial shock and then “Why me?”  As we come to accept things as they are, we have some options.  If we can get past regret for what has happened, and if don't allow the fear of the future to swallow us whole, then what we have is today. Things are the way they are. In each moment, we can choose how to react and behave.  If we have children, we can be a role model, or instead transmit all our fears, disappointment and anger to them.

A devastating loss may require we seek professional help to deal with the situation.  Many people suffering the loss of a loved one, which is a natural life passage, often see a therapist or grief counselor because they feel unable to move on. 

However, with each of these people telling their stories, something amazing happened. Each and every one about whom I read felt that the unexpected change in their life brought out some strength they didn't know they had and ultimately made them a better human being.  That’s not to say life was easy or they didn’t have sleepless nights or have to work hard to get their lives into a more manageable place. Yet in living the experience, they were able to get beyond feeling like a victim and find some learning, some new understanding that affected their life view.

We may need help in tough situations.  We’ll likely need time to figure out how to cope with a new reality.  The question is whether we can come through not embittered and having found some glimmer of gratitude for where we are now.

What Plan?

I was having dinner the other night with a good friend, and as we were talking, the following came out of my mouth:

                 " I don't know the plan even though I want to know the plan, because
                    part of the plan is not knowing the plan."

Yes, I'm one of those people who often likes to KNOW.  I used to be much more that way, but still am to some degree.  Give me information and I feel reassured I'm making a good decision.  Too much suspense can be unnerving.  I've been known to cover my eyes during a scary movie or flip to the back of a novel of gripping suspense.

There are certainly plans worth having.  Creating a new business or trying to achieve a goal requires well thought out projections and action steps.  Having a plan helps bring a vision into reality.  The best plans are those with built-in contingencies and flexibility, because things rarely turn out the way we envision they will.  Have you ever had an idea of "exactly' what you wanted only to be pleasantly surprised when things turned out somewhat differently?

As human beings, it's natural to want to know what's going to happen; it makes us feel more in control.  Some of us have a greater desire for predictability than others and feel less comfortable with change.  In addition, when we're feeling good about our life and ourselves, it's easy to be open and optimistic about what might come our way.  When we're not in a good place, it feels so much harder to believe this is all part of the "plan," and there is something we are meant to learn from each obstacle and (heaven forbid!) failure.

If we look back at our lives, we realize many of the most difficult and challenging situations taught us the most about ourselves and our capabilities, when at the time we felt we were in the midst of a crisis.  In retrospect, we may even be surprised at how well we dealt with the situation.  It's helpful to remember this when we feel life isn't going our way or we're apprehensive about what will happen. After all, having more information doesn't guarantee anything, especially control. 

Accepting what is requires us to trust there is a higher power and that our experiences unfold for our greatest good. 

And if we always knew how things would turn out, we wouldn't be surprised and delighted when all those fun, unexpected things do happen--things we end up thinking and talking about years later.

Can you be open to what's happening at a given moment and accept the outcome, even if it's not what you think you wanted?  Whatever happens, it's all part of the plan.