“When did I turn into such a bitch?!” my client exclaimed. After a long day at work, she came home and found the house a mess and the kids hadn’t had a bath. She started ranting at her husband, critical and blaming. They went to sleep without talking.
Do you ever find yourself yelling at people you love, knowing that isn’t what you want to be doing but not able to stop yourself? Many of us are sometimes critical, sarcastic or impatient and then feel guilty, either at the time or afterward.
Perhaps our parents acted this way with us, and we are thoughtlessly modeling their behavior. When we are tense and stressed, we might go to this “default position” in our daily interactions with family members. I confess to often parenting this way when my kids were young. Parents are notoriously sleep-deprived, overworked, and frenetic. But we have to take responsibility for our words and actions, which cause harm to those we love.
We’ve all heard the story about the cobbler’s children going barefoot: a father not attending to those right in front of him, dearest to him, and giving better service to others. At least in this example, you can say the cobbler was working to earn a living. What is our excuse? That we love our kids so much that we want them to be “better” somehow? How often is it our agenda that causes us to become angry or impatient? With some self-reflection, we find what’s bothering us really has less to do with our partner or children and more to do with our own needs.
Over time, as I became more conscious and aware, I realized it was inversely hypocritical to treat my friends and clients with more tolerance and acceptance than I sometimes treated my husband and children. I was stuck in a rote way of responding, and it was having a detrimental effect on my relationships and creating tension at home.
